I throw in the towel. I raise the proverbial white flag.

I surrender to the idea that I just might not be cut out for routine. That the only thing consistent about me might be complete and total inconsistency.

I wondered how I got here? Why did I think I should have a routine in the first place?

Well, I remember exactly how.

I watched an instagram reel where this influencer—and uber successful 30-something year old like me—shared her morning routine. It began at 4:30am every day. She did not rely on caffeine or stimulants (she drank chai a.k.a. the stuff of fairy dreams) and within those 30 seconds, I believed that this was the penultimate step to realizing solopreneur nirvana.

Heavenly harps began to play in my head and I knew that all that was standing between me and my dreams was the magic of…. a routine.

So I tried really, really, really hard. For weeks. For months.

I told myself not to be discouraged…that my routine might look different than hers. (For one, she started hers off with a workout. Okay, skip.)

But I was determined to find mine. And to train my body, like the Navy Seal I believed I could be, to wake up at 4:30am. (I even started drinking this powder made for Navy Seals who need to function on a few hours of sleep.) My new routine would maximize my productivity, fit in meditation, fitness, real food, a social life and my same unrealistic 30 hours of work into a 24 hour day….and I would be and do all the things.

Spoiler alert!

It didn’t work. It was painful. It was impossible. I struggled.

But like a turtle on its back, I kept trying. And I brought in reinforcements—sleeping pills, italian coffee, lavender baths, reading, yellow light lamps, blue light glasses, straight-up will power and force.

In fact last night, I got into bed “early” at 9pm to try this one more time. And I thought I better get off my screen, my eyes hurt from working all day and it’ll keep me up. I know! I’ll go on Clubhouse and just “listen” until I fall asleep. Of course, Chris Do was on…. and long story short 1:00am comes around and HOW. AM. I. SUPPOSED. TO. WAKE. UP. AT. 4:30.

The thing is, it’s not that waking up at 4:30am is hard for me. It’s actually the opposite. Resting and stopping and finding “balance” in the way I was told it should look… is hard for me.

Actually, it’s damn near impossible.

For me, balance isn’t real. Maybe I wish it was and I sometimes believe it could be.

But the way my brain is wired creatively….inspiration (and work) comes in waves. And not the waves of a calm, rhythmic tide along the shallow shore.

It’s much more the fury and depths of a stormy sea in a passing hurricane—

…a hundred stormy nights before the reprieve of placid serenity. Before I’m ready and able to take a break.

And maybe that’s okay.

I’ve always believed in plans. “Fail to plan, plan to fail” they say.

I love lists, I have calendars, apps, twelve planners, three whiteboards (not exaggerating). I plan every detail of every day, week, month down to the second. And guess what. Nothing. ever. goes. the. way. I. plan. it.

My best ideas don’t come when I’m sitting at my desk at 6:00am after a perfectly planned morning, when I’m feeling 100% percent rested and ready. (Forget the chai, now that is the real fairy dream.)

My best ideas come when I’m barely awake at 1:00am listening to Chris Do on Clubhouse. And when I think back, my best ideas have come only when I have made room to….simply let myself… be inspired, think, exist; when I didn’t fill up my life with plans or meetings or the million things I thought I should be doing.

And not just ideas, but even opportunities. They’ve always appeared when I least expected them to. And often they were nothing close to what I could’ve planned for or curated on my own.

And so I ask myself (and I suppose you, too, dear reader of this blog)….

What if what we want or where we are going isn’t something we can even plan for?

What if the new plan was no plan at all?

Surely, we must be prepared for what’s at sea. But, as long as we are sailing in the direction of our dreams….maybe that’s all that really matters.

✨Self-Care Giveaway—

Don’t forget to comment below to be entered into this week’s giveaway! Do you fight the current or go with the flow?